Identity Crisis

Memo To: Long Island
Memo From: Interravision

Date: Monday, April 9, 2007

Re: Identity Crisis (Yours, not mine)

Long Island:

Please take immediate note. You are not Manhattan. Nor are you Brooklyn, The Bronx, DUMBO, or even Queens. You are not SoHo or The Village. For goodness sake, you are not even Staten Island. Though, yes, you do have many streets called “Broadway”, you are not the Big Apple. You are the suburbs outside the apple. Perhaps the green, yet bitter, leaves of the apple branch.

You, Long Island, must cease and desist your exorbitant and ridiculous rental fees.

A shithole of an apartment, dirty, falling apart and the size of most SUVs I see careening around town, should not cost $1200 plus 2 months security and 1 month broker fee (that is $4800 just to move in). In Manhattan? Fine. BUT YOU ARE NOT MANHATTAN. You are long Island. Take a long look in the mirror and get the point.

Apartments between $1000 and $1200 a month should not be relegated to dark and dingy subterranean caves with no windows that are illegally rented. And in fact, they should have an actual kitchen. With an oven and a stove that works. A STOVE, not a toaster oven. Not a microwave posing as a stove. A real stove with burners and oven.

Furthermore, an apartment that looks such as “Exhibit A” has no business being at the $1400 mark. None whatsoever.

Exhibit A

Finally, lets get our terminology straight. None of the following words should be used to describe Exhibit B: bright, nice, cozy, or “a delight”. Fluorescent lighting in lieu of human sized windows does not make a place bright.

Exhibit B

Look, Long Island, I kind of like you. I am getting used to your quirky ways, though I admit I miss Boston’s exuberance. But, our annual review is coming up and I would like to see some serious improvement take place before we sit down and discuss your future as my place of existence.

Sincerely,
Interravision

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