Dear Evil Tooth,
You had to have it your way, as if my mouth is some kind of anatomical Burger King. You didn’t listen to antibiotics or even the vicodin the last time we duked it out. So I did what I had to do.
I pulled you, motherfucker.
I wanted us to work it out. I wanted to keep you in there, happily chewing my meals. But you just had to be a rebel. You thought you were so James Dean, but I think you were more Sarah Palin. A faux-badass.
But let me tell you: this road has come to an end. As you started up again today, just 2 short weeks since our last battle of wills, I knew I had to just pull the plug. So, I trekked in the middle of my busy workday the Oral Surgeon, Doctor Hottie McHottie. And Dr. McHottie did the deed. He pulled your faux-badass out of my jaw. It took him all of 45 seconds once he numbed me up and grabbed hold of you. How badass is that?
And I say good riddance. Pretty soon I won’t even remember you were ever there.
Love and more antibiotics & vicodin,
Baby toupees. Awesome. Check out the gallery of babies in wigs. I think “The Donald” is my favorite:
Dear Evil Tooth,
Let’s talk. Where do you think you get off? Do you think it’s cool being a rebel? To be a bad-ass? Well, let me tell you. You are not cool. Sure, I forgave you when you became my first and only cavity. If fact, I cared for you as best as I could and had you filled by good doctors in Holland who I couldn’t understand. I did this for you. I rode all the way to Zuid-Oost Amsterdam on my bike to have you filled, and this is how you repay me.
And I cared for you again when you demanded your first root canal. I know. It was a cry for attention, like a starlet getting out of a limo with no panties. It was painful both physically and financially, but again I forgave you insolence. And we moved on.
When you flared up again with your rebel ways and demanded a second root canal, I came close to the line. Do you know I almost had you removed? I said, “Get the hell out of my mouth!” But lucky for you the good doctors convinced me that your friends, the happy good teeth that surround you, depend on you to stay straight. Even when you provide such a bad example. So I LET YOU STAY.
But now, you go too far. TOO FAR, Evil Tooth. Threatening me with a THIRD root canal is just too much. Listen carefully: I will pull you. As God and the blogosphere as my witnesses, I WILL PULL YOU. So shape up and start obeying the 4-days worth of antibiotics knocking on your door. Listen to the Vicodin coursing through your canals and quiet yourself down and relieve me of the constant pain. Do it, and do it now.
Don’t make me pull you. Let’s be friends again. .
Love and Peace & Antibiotics and Vicodin,
So, I really am not even thinking about what kind of wedding I want to have. No, really. I mean it. Serious! OK, maybe just a little. But like you did when you were little and you put a towel on your head and pretended it was a veil. Not with any thought that this is really happening to me. Anyone else do that? Anyone?
As you know, I would love a destination wedding but have no idea where to start (thanks to those who have sent ideas– really, thank you). So, I thought I would innocently check out a forum on the subject of destination weddings. Just to get some good ideas on places that might be a good option from ladies who have walked down the beachy aisle before. I found this site called Best Destination Wedding Forum and thought, Hey! That’s for me! Here is the site for those who care: http://bestdestinationwedding.com/forum
I peruse the categories to see where I can get the inside scoop on different venues and the first category that catches my eye is called:
Invitations, STDs, photos & websites
It took me a minute and I thought… Huh. STDs are openly discussed alongside invitations, photos and websites? That seems a little odd. I mean I suppose there are some brides out there that might be concerned about whatever STD they contracted in their pre-wedding days. But maybe now isn’t the time to “come clean” as it was? Especially when going over creative invitations? And is a forum on this topic really necessary?
I had to open the category to get that STD stands for Save The Date.
Oh, grasshopper. There is so much to learn.
If it was ever your dream to walk inside a giant fiberglass replica of Eddie Murphy’s head, you should have been in Times Square last Thursday.
Sorry if you missed it.
I heard about this on NPR and had to check it out for myself.
The Something Store.
You know… when you just want something.
You shell out $10 and they send you a surprise. It could be an Ipod, or a nose clipper. It could be a pocket knife or a digital camera. The point is: you don’t know until you open the box. Its like a suprise party for one.
I am thinking about getting something for Damir…just to enjoy the suspense of what it could be! I will keep you posted.
So did you know that the government is selling all kinds of STUFF? Check this out: http://www.govsales.gov/html/index.htm
Sure, I knew they sold land and the odd car and truck, but I had no idea they were unloading clothes, computers and a box of this stuff:
The above box o’ tronics can be found under “Communication and Detection Devices” and is up for auction for a current bid of just $62.00. I don’t know about you, but I call that a bargain. I was disappointed I couldn’t find a 1950’s style listening device or something Spy worthy. Alas.
But if you think that’s the BEST bargain running on the site, you’d be wrong. Check this out (you might have to click on it to get the full effect of what is being sold:
Yes, folks. That really does say “ONE LOT OF TISSUES; USED”. Find it under the category:
GMail announced a new feature today: the ability to custom date your email. Need your email to show in the recipients box as read and sent 4 days ago? No Problem!
Testimonials from Beta Testers (hilarious):
Beta User Testimonials
“The entire concept of ‘late’ no longer exists for me. That’s pretty cool. Thanks Gmail!”
Miriam S., Delivery girl
“I just got two tickets to Radiohead by being the ‘first’ to respond to a co-worker’s ‘first-come, first-serve’ email. Someone else had already won them, but I told everyone to check their inboxes again. Everyone sort of knows I used Custom Time on this one, but I’m denying it.”
Robby S., Paralegal
“This feature allows people to manipulate and mislead people with falsified time data. Time is a sacred truth that should never be tampered with.”
Michael L., Epistemology Professor
“I used to be an honest person; but now I don’t have to be. It’s just so much easier this way. I’ve gained a lot of productivity by not having to think about doing the ‘right’ thing.”
Todd J., Investment Banker
This is a great April Fools Joke…. Right?
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the STRAPLESS THONG:
I ask this question: what are the ladies wearing these days where a “traditional” thong provides TOO MUCH coverage? I don’t know about you, but I can’t really figure out what is holding this strip of fabric up. And can you believe that this strip of fabric actually costs $36.00? I think you cold get some gauze and a few band-aids at the local CVS for about $3.57 and get the same effect.
The makers of this contraption declare this garment perfect for the following activities:
- Form fitting dresses
- High Cut dresses
- Pole dancing
- Spas and salons
(seriously, I could not make this up).
WHEW! I had been looking for a new Pole Dancing undergarment for ages.